Satire: Get Rich Quick: Carhop at Sonic


Need great money fast? Work as a carhop at Sonic! The position is now open!

Are you trying to pay off your college debt? What about your monthly rent? Or, maybe you’re just looking for a replacement job so you don’t have to get a degree at all? At Sonic Drive In, you can do just that!

There are so many benefits to working as a Carhop at Sonic. You’ll make an outstanding $3.75 an hour, while doing more work than the other employees at Sonic who make three times that amount. How do they get away with this illegal practice? Well, tips of course! Because everybody knows that you’re supposed to tip your carhop, right? Yes, when grandma gets out of church, she’ll tell you to “keep the change, sweetheart”, and you’ll walk away from her car with an extra 3 cents to pay your bills. It’s a no-brainer to paying your car note on time.

Despite the prestigious job title of “Carhop,’ you’ll have so many more duties than that, to prevent you from being bored. You will garbage hop, too! You get to change all of the trash cans inside the store and outside. The best part is that they will be full of reeking trash because the other employees don’t do their job. It’s okay if you can barely lift ten pounds; the other employees will stare and comment on your appearance instead of helping. But at least at the end of the night, that perfume you sprayed on will be erased by the smell of garbage juice.

You’ll also love sweeping the vomit out of the parking lot. The homeless men will accompany you then, begging for money you’ve worked hard for, or telling you to shove a crack-pipe somewhere you probably shouldn’t. Can this job get any better?

Yes! You’ll also get to spray and scrub the inside floors while other, higher paid employees stare at their phone and avoid their own work. And since they’ve avoided their work, you’ll also have to work their jobs just so you can do yours! And remember, all of this for almost $4 an hour!!

Ladies, do you love getting attention from random strangers? You’ll definitely want to be a carhop then, because you’ll be sexually harassed every single night. While giving that clown car full of boys their six footlongs, they’ll ask you if they can give you a footlong as well. But you’ll have to hold your smile and say, “No thank you!” even when they harass you until you want to cry. Of course, the customer is always right, so unless you want to lose your job, you must be polite!

And if you think the respectful customers are great enough, the employees inside will be even better as they stare holes into you while you’re just trying to work. As you’re taking that trash out back where it’s dark and you’re alone, they’ll approach you asking if you need a date.

Do you want this job yet? Come on over to Sonic Drive-In, where no one tips you and the boss overworks you! You’ll soon be paying those bills with ease.