How I Feel


Drowning in procrastination. Sinking in piles of pills,

paint brushes, and papers. Waves of sleep and numbness

keep pummeling me. I’m tired. I’m tired of being told how,

when, what, and where. I yearn to be free. Flowing, living

waters I want to partake. Like crashing waves, I am at war

with myself. Seems like the world is fighting me too. Friends,

professors, advisors, counselors, and Self preach, “You’re not

doing enough! Focus! Quit doing this to yourself! Do your

work!” “Don’t you see me running out of oxygen,” I respond.

Trying. Swimming in shallow waters—knowing I’m in three

feet of stress, and all I have to do is stand up cuz I’m five feet,

two inches tall. I already know how, when, what, and where.

No one ever answered when I asked, “Why?” Why am I

drowning? Sinking, pummeled, ripped, and shredded by waves

of incessant confusion and work. Overwhelmed by an endless

sea of possibilities. Fishing for the right answers, right thoughts,

and right motives; yet, no amount of fish satisfies

the hunger. I’m standing alone in this ocean of misery. Tired.

I’m procrastinating. I’m tired. I’m not good enough. I’m tired of

being this way, but waves are waves. They crash. I only know how

to crash. I’m used to this repetitive state of uselessness. Every

now and then, there’s a break in these waves. For a moment,

there’s crystal clear clarity. I’m human. I procrastinate. I get tired.

But still like tides I rise.