Satire Archives - The Delta Statement

Satire: Democratic Rumble

April 23, 2019

Every four years bring the most exciting wrestling match, the Royal Rumble. This year, 30 democrats will enter the match for an opportunity to face the world champion, Donald Trump. Many democrats have announced their place in the match-up this year. 18 competitors have already claimed their spot in the rumble--all of them hopi...

Satire: World War Borderlands 3

April 23, 2019

Gearbox Studios, creators of the insanely popular video game series Borderlands, have been under fire after the recent reveal of the newest addition to the franchise, Borderlands 3. The backlash of the community was not brought on by the game reveal but was instead sparked by the announcement that Borderlands 3 ...

Satire: Top 5 Tips to Becoming a Beauty-Trending YouTuber

April 23, 2019

Number One: A camera! And not just any ol’ camera. Most successful YouTubers shell out anywhere between $200 to $2000 in recording equipment. But if you are low on cash, just use your cellphone camera! Upgrade to the latest iPhone and invest in a phone case with a lousy kickstand or pop-socket and you’re almost there. &...

Satire: I like how you said that.

April 23, 2019

Controversy broke out this week at Delta State University over the comments on a discussion board post. When the professor assigned the weekly discussion question to her Biology 101 class, she never imagined the debate would get so heated. “I had students coming to my office in tears,” cites the frazzled professor. �...

Satire: Get Rich Quick: Carhop at Sonic

April 23, 2019

Need great money fast? Work as a carhop at Sonic! The position is now open! Are you trying to pay off your college debt? What about your monthly rent? Or, maybe you’re just looking for a replacement job so you don’t have to get a degree at all? At Sonic Drive In, you can do just that! There are so many benefits to work...

Satire: Silly Professors

April 23, 2019

As finals quickly approach, the pressure is really on for most college students. Every time I am around my classmates, they are constantly complaining about all the work they have to do. The joke is on them. If only they were perfect students like myself; they would not have anything to worry about. You see, the trick i...

Satire: Kim Kardashian to the Rescue

Love Jones, Social Media

April 23, 2019

Filed under Satire, Spring 2019

In this week’s news, Kim Kardashian decides to take on another career venture. No, it’s not new KKW beauty products, it’s becoming a lawyer. In 2018, the Kardashian helped 63-year-old Cyntonia Brown, who was sentenced mandatory life plus 23 years after being wrongly convicted. One simple tweet pushed Kardashian to g...

Satire: A Dream Come True

Trey Wright, Publisher

April 22, 2019

Filed under Satire, Spring 2019

Last Saturday, fans of the local football team, The Sixty Niners, were in rage over the heartbreaking defeat from their long-time rivals, the Boston Crabs. Many fans point the blame on the recently recruited ten-year old boy named Mickey Jr. the Third. After kickoff, the newly appointed center, Mickey Jr., proceeded...

Satire: The Elusive Education Major

April 19, 2019

These species of college students are quickly becoming endangered. This will be an investigation into what education majors are and what could be contributing to their impending extension. Our first stop on this investigation will be the Ewing Building. Ewing houses multiple major types, all of which ...

Satire: The Orange T-shirt Militia and Their Orange Signs

athletikchik123

April 19, 2019

Filed under Satire, Spring 2019

The orange signs made their return weeks ago, and this year they were scarier and brighter than ever. Every year the loud, orange, fluorescent signs take over the Delta State campus reminding students it’s that time of year again... Time to pre-register for classes. For an entire week, the Orange T-shirt wearing militia...

Satire: Tips on How Not To Study For Finals:

April 19, 2019

Chances are You Have No Chance, Especially If You Are Reading This Article If you’re looking for ways to better prepare yourself for final exams, then chances are you are looking in the wrong places. Numerous articles and news stories push the beliefs that their articles and study tips will help students make better g...

Absentee Student Surprised by Low Grades

April 18, 2019

Billy Buck thought everything was going well in his classes at Delta State until he was surprised with a paper due date which urged him to check Canvas to find that he had a D in all his classes. He came to me with his story to fight against what he felt was an unjust situation. Billy said, “I was sure my grades were goo...