Satire: Silly Professors


As finals quickly approach, the pressure is really on for most college students. Every time I am around my classmates, they are constantly complaining about all the work they have to do. The joke is on them. If only they were perfect students like myself; they would not have anything to worry about.

You see, the trick is really paying attention on syllabus day. That is the one day of the year where all the professors divulge their entire class schedule. Most people don’t really understand this, but the trick to becoming an efficient student is hyper-strategic planning.

When my professor told us on the first day of class that our major essays were not due until the last couple months of class, I knew immediately that I had more than enough time to plan out the methodical binge-watching of The Office for the seventh time and the 10-hour-binge-fest whenever the new season of Sabrina the Teenage Witch dropped on Netflix.

Being the excellent planner that I am, I was able to do both of those things. I was also able to watch Parks and Recreation for the fourteenth time. Not only that, I was able to log in an amazing 150 hours in my favorite online game. Now, you go ahead and tell me what Shakespeare can teach me that Fortnite can’t. Good luck with that one.

Another secret to success is not wasting energy paying attention in class. Professors would like to trick you into thinking that they are actually trying to teach you something. “We are trying to prepare you for your future career,” they say. Well, those of us who are truly enlightened know that is total nonsense. We learn more “real world” lessons in one episode of Game of Thrones than we ever will in the classroom. Silly professors.

It is imperative that we fight against the established structure. We all know the popular saying: “Those who can’t do, teach.” So, these professors obviously have no clue what they are talking about, or they would be out there doing. Ron Swanson was right.

If there is one thing I learned from The Office, it’s that someone can make it whether they do school or not. For instance, look at Andy. He went to Cornell, and he still wound up being a loser. Those professors aren’t fooling anyone. We know what happens to people who actually pay attention in school. They wind up just like Andy. Or even worse, they wind up being just like Al Gore.

So, if you’re wondering why I’m not worried about finals, the answer is simple: because nothing we learn in school will help us in the real world. Everyone knows school is just a formality, a hazing of sorts.

Employers don’t really care whether or not you actually learn anything in school. It’s all about that little piece of paper. That’s obviously why all those rich people pay for their kid’s degrees and nobody ever knows the difference.

So here is some parting wisdom from someone who really knows the secrets of success in school. C’S GET DEGREES. You don’t have to worry about ever being in a position in your respective careers where you actually have to know something. That’s nonsense. If there is one thing we’ve learned in our pursuit of philosophical enlightenment, it’s that nobody really knows anything, right?  Fake it til’ you make it.

So, go ahead and binge watch, play video games for hours, and skip as much as you can. You know the truth. There is no truth. There is only Yeet. Silly professors.