Going to college is one of the biggest transitions in life. It can also be difficult balancing school, work and personal life. 

Not so much for 18 year old Cody Topper.

Head in the Game

“My friends and I have cracked the code,” Topper said. He then crumpled up a Taco Bell wrapper and slammed a Monster Energy drink. 

Despite the fact that Topper and his band of misfits will be taking their Principle of Biology final exam tomorrow. They have taken it upon themselves to explore the entire map of Fortnite and earn 10 chicken dinners. A flurry of boogy bombs, camping snipers and tower building was frustrating their goal. 

“It’s about balance,” Cody said as he guided protagonist Agent Jonesy through battle royale gameplay. “We study for 10 minutes, and play for an hour.”

Meanwhile, an earthy haze crept up from the door of another room in the dorm where students had wrapped cellophane around the smoke detector as they smoked the herb.

“They’ll take this class again next semester, and they’ll know why,” Professor Bunsen commented. 

The local sorority sisters were watching Grey’s Anatomy for the 17th time. The frat boys were juggling flaming batons and enjoying themselves. At the time of publishing, it was reported that they TP’d their own building and had several brothers passed out shirtless and covered in green and white body paint in the road and yard. 

When asked to comment on their study habits, some threw up on themselves, others screamed, “YOLO”, or scrunched their faces and asked, “What final?”

Game Over

The few normies at the school woke up with their face in a bowl of day-old chow-mein after studying for an unknown period of time.

Topper assured this reporter that he was very sure what Adenosine Triphosphate is and cleverly remembered the miracle of photosynthesis in panda bears. 

 At the time of publishing, Prof. Bunsen added that the beshelved and hungover students walking into the lecture hall resembled people, “who were stuffed in a burlap sack and towed behind a car.”

Business as usual.