People always say that these days, everyone’s a critic. That is simply not true. Sure, people might express their opinions about their “favorite” things, but that does not make them a critic. Instead, what makes someone a critic is their distinguished education and their insightful knowledge.

How I became a Professional Critic

When I dropped out of film school, I knew I was destined to be a Professional Movie Critic . I was too smart to be cooped up in a classroom all day. My bad grades on the assignments were only because they weren’t advanced enough for me. My movie readings were too accurate.

No company was willing to hire a critic without “credentials,” but I know it’s because my insights were too intimidating. Because of this, I’ve given myself the title of Professional Movie Critic. 

In any case, my job as a Professional Movie Critic is to judge movies and express the objective and definitive analysis of them. Even if I don’t finish watching it, I can still tell what the message is. This has always been my greatest strength.

My Review Process

When I write a review, I’m always sure to make it unbiased. This means that my unbiased reviews are the authoritative facts. This means that I can truly tell a good movie apart from a bad one, objectively, with no room for argument.

When I see people talk about a movie with a different perspective, I’m quick to tell them what’s wrong with the points they’re making. They may not like it, but it’s the truth. 

What Should be Considered Art

People go on and on about James Cameron’s “Avatar” and how it’s one of the greatest movies in cinema history. That movie is so unrealistic, but they don’t know about Andy Warhol’s “Empire” or Michael Snow’s “Wavelength”. Now those movies are real art.

“Empire” and “Wavelength” represent what real art is. Art shouldn’t be entertaining and fun. Instead, art should be excruciating and shouldn’t be entertaining at all.

People try to point out where they think I get things “wrong,” but they just don’t get it. I’m a professional. I’m the one who has a valid point.

The Critics ARE the Experts

Critics have the right answers, but no one seems to realize this. When they say how good or bad something is, they are right. If another critic disagrees, well then, they weren’t really a professional critic anyway.

Read the reviews by the professionals. It’s not that you can’t have your own opinion, but your opinion might just be wrong. Just trust me, the Professional Movie Critic.