Satire: Horoscopes
Aries (Mar 20 – Apr 20)
- Don’t reach for unrealistic goals. You’re under 5’3”, so reaching that top shelf is going to be difficult.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 21)
- Just because your sign is the bull doesn’t mean you have to run after everything that’s red. Try chasing another color in the rainbow for once.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun 21)
- They say that there are seven people in the world identical to us. There’s not enough room for more than one of you in the world. Make a decision on who goes.
Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 23)
- Protect your heart and be less open this month. Those reindeer horns might impale you if you anger Santa.
Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 23)
- Believing in yourself may take you on a journey on a midnight train going anywhere. Who knows where you will end up?
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 23)
- You may continuously face obstacles in your projects; consider putting them off until the time is right. Like the day after the deadline date. That’s usually a good time.
Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 23)
- Be the politician you were meant to be and lie about your core beliefs so that everyone trusts you.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 22)
- Be brave and inject your venom into some unsuspecting soul today.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 22)
- Look away from the stars and moon to protect the unicorn blood (and maybe Harry Potter).
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 20)
- Be I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T. Get your own house, your own car, two jobs, work hard.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
- You will have disagreements with friends this week. Instead of isolating yourself, just chain them to a tree in the Forbidden Forest.
Pisces (Feb 18 – Mar 20)
- Look to your fellow Pisces for inspiration this month. I won’t tell you what you’ll find, though—that’s spoilers.
About the Contributor
Kjirsten Whitsell, Editor-in-Chief
Kjirsten Whitsell is a senior here at Delta State University. She has been a part of The Delta Statement for three semesters. Kjirsten’s hometown is...