Satire: Horoscopes

What does your Zodiac have in store for you?

What does your Zodiac have in store for you?

Aries (Mar 20 – Apr 20)

  • Don’t reach for unrealistic goals. You’re under 5’3”, so reaching that top shelf is going to be difficult.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 21)

  • Just because your sign is the bull doesn’t mean you have to run after everything that’s red. Try chasing another color in the rainbow for once.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 21)

  • They say that there are seven people in the world identical to us. There’s not enough room for more than one of you in the world. Make a decision on who goes.

Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 23)

  • Protect your heart and be less open this month. Those reindeer horns might impale you if you anger Santa.

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 23)

  • Believing in yourself may take you on a journey on a midnight train going anywhere. Who knows where you will end up?

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 23)

  • You may continuously face obstacles in your projects; consider putting them off until the time is right. Like the day after the deadline date. That’s usually a good time.

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 23)

  • Be the politician you were meant to be and lie about your core beliefs so that everyone trusts you.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 22)

  • Be brave and inject your venom into some unsuspecting soul today.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 22)

  • Look away from the stars and moon to protect the unicorn blood (and maybe Harry Potter).

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 20)

  • Be I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T. Get your own house, your own car, two jobs, work hard.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

  • You will have disagreements with friends this week. Instead of isolating yourself, just chain them to a tree in the Forbidden Forest.

Pisces (Feb 18 – Mar 20)

  • Look to your fellow Pisces for inspiration this month. I won’t tell you what you’ll find, though—that’s spoilers.